I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
