dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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