She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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