Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
