I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
