In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You're a waste of cheezeits
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
