i barfeds in our rink
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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