after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize