i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
