I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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