sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
