i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
