Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
two words: eviction party
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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