Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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