gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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