i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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