Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
