dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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