i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
