he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
