heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
