I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
