A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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