Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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