someone owes me an orgasm
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize