cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
