my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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