There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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