I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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