Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
