can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
pray to the hookup gods
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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