Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
