This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
