the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
