This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
