if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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