ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
