OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
