Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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