I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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