The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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