God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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