He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have tasted many bathrooms
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
