one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
