remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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