i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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