Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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