Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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