how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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