Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize