i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize