I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
