Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
