he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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