I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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