so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
