Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
