We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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