when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
