I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I need to calm my uterus...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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